Patterns, like bad habits. Hard to break.
We’re all so very good at giving advice we don’t follow.
As I’ve watched other women – friends, cousins, colleagues etc. – all beautiful, intelligent, compassionate women in their own right, struggle with relationships, I’ve doled out my fair share of advice and observations from the peanut gallery. I don’t claim to be any sort of expert (how could I?), but I do think my analytical skills are up to par, and as a female in heterosexual relationships from time to time, I think I’m qualified enough to make casual observations.
One such observation was made recently, as I recounted to a younger cousin a conversation I’d had with an older female relative. My aunt, a self-proclaimed relationship expert, had stated quite adamantly that modern women were, categorically, “what was wrong with relationships today”. Women, in her account, were the sole reason for the failure of relationships today as now, more than ever, they bailed out of relationships en masse, with nary a thought to the beleaguered soul they left behind. “Young women just don’t make an effort to make things work…” she claimed. And on went the argument.
I pondered that for some time, unsure for a bit, but after a while, in considerable disagreement having maintained my half a partnership that was going on for over a decade and a half (and would eventually come to its own end). “Why would you want to stay in something that wasn’t working?” I asked. “Why would you want your daughter to?” Do you earn some sort of merit badge for having stuck it out in the face of misery and discontent?
Women were not, in my estimation, deserting perfectly good relationships out of laziness. Women, if we were suddenly leaving more than we ever had before, were leaving because they could. Because we’re a generation of women, unlike any other, educated en masse, and more than capable of bringing our own to the table. While we once had to make a relationship work and where we bent over backward to make it happen, we no longer had to do so. Relationships in the modern sense are no longer about security or protection. They’re about emotional integrity and compatibility, traits I would argue that are much more difficult to nurture or maintain.
“Leave”, I told my cousin (though she wasn’t asking at the time). “Leave because you can. Because you’ll find someone who actually wants to make it work, and for whom the relationship will be a two-way street. Leave because you are fully capable of providing for yourself, so any partner of yours will be incidental, not necessary. Leave because modern relationships are about love, not obligation. Leave because you are worthy of so much better.”
If only I were capable of heeding my own advice.
I dated someone recently that has supplied a plethora of stupid, hurtful comments, one after the other. A stronger version of me has already tired of this bullshit and long-laid this experience to rest alongside all the other tired souls with whom I remain incompatible. Apparently the version of me that exists in this dimension has yet to get the memo.
I’ve been privy to a laundry-list of “perfectly reasonable explanations” as to why commitment is difficult, nay impossible, on anything but his terms, but “Hey, status quo isn’t terrible, right?” and was told, half-jokingly, that maybe, at some point, in the far-off future, “when his teeth are gone and he’s totally bald”, that “I could see myself choosing you.”
HAHAHAHAHA
Da fuq? Are you hearing the shit that just came out of your mouth? Don’t do me any favours by choosing me when you’ve run out of options.
Here’s the thing about fully independent, willingly childless people: We want relationships for one reason only…because they’re adding something of value to our life. This is true of friendships and platonic relationships, but especially true of the romantic relationships we pursue. We don’t need your house, your car, or your bank account. We’re not sitting here like tragic heroines in a Victorian saga waiting for someone, anyone, to come along and put a baby in us. What we do want is your time, your effort, your integrity, your ability to acknowledge that something is important to us, and, God-forbid, your love and affection without pulling teeth. What else do you have to give us that we can’t already give ourselves? If we’re not worth effort, we’re not worth anything (to you) at all.
Apparently I didn’t learn this stupid lesson the first time around because I’m spinning it on repeat like an old-school DJ.
Wait on “maybe”?
Been there, done that. “Maybe” is off vacationing with a girlfriend.
GTFO.
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4 Comments
I do have to remind myself that everyone’s writing is based on an accumulation of life experiences and thus should be taken with a grain of salt.
Our parents and grandparents would stay in relationships that we would deem as not healthy or just not worth it. I absolutely see that point. Many stayed because it is what was expected, to avoid the stigma of being divorced or even for the security. I think what we might not be taking into account is what could have developed on the other side of all of that. I just think it is way too easy to turn and walk away from a partner instead of perhaps sticking with it.
No relationship is ideal and as humans, we are most certainly flawed. As long as there is no form of abuse, both partners could, in some instances, choose to weather the storm. The development of character and of the relationship itself could be strengthened. Wouldn’t that be something that adds immeasurable value to our lives?
P.S. no one ever takes their own advice. That would be too sensible.
I’m not saying we should give up at the drop of a hat…by any stretch. And, I was hoping that my sixteen years in the trenches 😛 would have been proof that I stand by the idea that we should make every effort to make things work.
But at the same time, I think female emancipation has gone a long way to allowing women, in particular, the ability to make choices they might not have once been able to make, for better or worse. (In my aunt’s case, I guess she felt that women were now taking the easy way out).
Well said Renata! The only codicil is that the courtship process on a genetic level supersedes any intellectual argument as what we find physically attractive always initially guides how we form relationships. Just because you “can” provide for yourself doesn’t mean you always have to. The courtship process is rather visceral and the hunter needs the opportunity to hunt. Just as you will need the opportunity to nurture. Childless by choice or not these human instincts are millennia old. I’m definitely the independent friend you reference and I definitely have the ability to pay my own way. But making a man feel needed while maintaining your independence is an art. One I’m only honing as I approach my 50’s lol . So no advice giving here; simply my observation that you are well on your way to being truly comfortable with who you are. Kudos! Keep doing what you are doing! And thanks for a great read!
There is a lot of truth to this. In fact, one of the things I’ve read said that successful hetero relationships actually require you to play into the masculine/feminine traditional roles. Make a man feel needed isn’t lost on me. 🙂 I guess I’m not entirely sure how one goes about that in the face of men who complain they don’t want to be used by a woman.
Advice welcome!